I’m coming out of challenging time emotionally and mentally - one of the hardest I have had for a while.
A big source of my mental health wobble is the violence being enacted upon the people of Palestine. It is so disgusting. So horrific - I don’t have adequate words for it. The attacks on refugee camps - including a few days ago when the IOF disguised themselves as aid workers before killing over 270 people in order to release four hostages, is a new level of depravity. The Western gaslighting is peak. Every week there seems to be another atrocity, more hideous than the week before with lies and lip service from Western powers, delusional in their assumption that we cannot see their complicity. It’s maddening. So much unraveling is upon us… Gains are being made in the student encampments and thanks to those working in various areas, shifts are happening; but so many lives have been taken. Entire families, taken. There is a well of sorrow within me that I am accessing in moments. Soft moments where the damn cracks open and the salt flows through.
This deeper sensing, being with the feelings, is only accessible in moments because like many of us, I am numbing as a coping mechanism, in order to navigate my responsibilities and needs in this coercive economic system. To be clear, a lot of the things I write about, I am in process with myself. Actively practising. Figuring out. From my own experience, I know that grief tending can support intentionally dipping into our emotional landscape for small moments which can support us to process what we are carrying so that numbing all the time is not our only coping strategy. Over time, we can consciously re-pattern this so there are more choices and supports for us when we are under pressure (rather than our coping mechanisms alone). However, I still have moments where numbness creeps up on me and becomes dominant… I am coming out of one of these moments, slowing down and pivoting so I can support myself to get back into alignment.
I have known for years that numbing through (over)working is one of my coping mechanisms. There is something about aligned work that helps me feel that I am doing something to counter or compost some of the extractive logics we are trying to exist within. So for years I worked and worked until I had regular melt downs and eventually burned out. Thankfully, 2020 was a turning point for me. Losing my apartment in a house fire was a wake up call and I took it as an ancestral sign to slow down and find some other embodied supports to navigate existence. Getting certified in the Resilience Toolkit, and having a daily somatic practice since then, has supported me to notice what rest feels like in my body and to commit intentional space each week for that (Yin / Restorative yoga and Tai Chi are my weekly sessions for deep relaxation). In the last four years, I have increasingly been able to track my capacity and be responsive to my rest needs alongside my workload. I feel in a much better place than pre 2020. Despite all of that, I fell back into the work numbing in the last two weeks. Due to some signals that I now associate with numbing, I was aware that it was happening for some time before I was able to shift it.
Are you aware of ways you numb and how this shows up for you in your body / mind? Are you able to track when it’s happening or is it something you realise in hindsight?
Embodied signals of pervasive numbing for me: Feeling disconnected from emotions and sensations as if I am slightly detached from my body, noticing my thoughts and pace of movement are very quick, seeking more ways to disconnect or check out for respite, no longer being able to track my capacity or rest needs, feeling like I am pushing through, with moments of frantic energy and overwhelm.
I finally moved out of the numbing, towards deeper sensing, when I did my monthly grief ritual (a week later than planned). Lots of rage emerged, deep sorrow and fatigue around capitalism. As the emotions flowed out, it felt as though the bubble burst and I got off the work-numbing hamster wheel. I am doing my best to slow down, stay aligned and prioritise. To get the support I need. I hope to begin working with an admin / access worker in the coming weeks. This has been years in the making so I’m ready for this new chapter of support which will in turn allow me to offer and grow my work in a more grounded and easeful way. I’m also planning some longer windows of rest in the coming weeks to be offline and read in my hammock (one of my sources of restful joy in the summer).
If you are numbing more than you would like, I hope you are able to notice it, to track what this feels like in your body or mind. If possible, I invite you to make space (even for 20 minutes) to do a grief ritual, to intentionally dip into your grief. Emotions stored under the surface can lead to all sorts of behaviour that may be harmful for ourselves and others if left unchecked. If you would like any ritual ideas, you can check out the GEN Grief Toolkit or Tending Grief. If a grief ritual doesn’t feel possible for you at this time, I hope you can resource yourself in some other way whether that’s through movement, being in nature or art making. In these times, it’s so important for us to stay connected to our feelings, even if it’s just for small moments at a time. May we keep our hearts open, making space for joy and connection as well as our sorrow.
I wish you space to be with what is emerging for you. May this allow you to live in deeper alignment with what you care about in the world. May it allow you to show up for those you love and feel in solidarity with. May it allow you to trust in your own divinity and the gifts you are able to offer the collective (within your capacity).
Some of my upcoming offerings:
Sunday 16th June: Grief sharing circle (open to folks of all backgrounds), Generosity as Courage, Boijmans in Rotterdam. Register for a ticket here: chrisje.loman@boijmans.nl
Thursday 20th June: Keynote for IDHA as part of Brewing Change, online. You can register here.
Friday 2nd August, On Tending Grief, CIIS ,online.
—> I’ll have the pleasure of being in conversation with Michelle Johnson.Friday 20th August: A conversation on Grief & Goodness w/ Sanah Ahsan at Housmans in London. Event link TBA.
I was asked by Shepherd to make a list of my favourite books on collective grief.
Shifting Basslines : Dance floors as Portals.
—> If you are interested about how dancing can support grief work, listen to this episode I produced and narrated. It’s called Dance Floors as Portals and it’s for a series called Shifting Basslines which explores the connection between raving and the planet.
—> The other episodes are really interesting too :)
Media of the moment:
Operation Olive Branch (financial support for Palestinian families, please donate if you can).
We Are Lady Parts & The Great Pottery Throw Down (particularly season 5) have been wholesome TV watches recently.
I am really enjoying reading The Land in Our Bones by Layla Feghali.
For those in need of support after protest / arrest, check out European Legal Support Centre.
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Thank you for taking the time to articulate this Camille <3 🙏