In 2018 I went to Brazil
After the autumn I buried my sun
In 2018 I went to Brazil
To do what I know how to do
When times are hard
Dance.
Connect with ancestral wisdom
Pulse, vibration
Aye, Negra Beleza.
In 2018 I followed pleasure
As the entry point to my grief
I went into my body
To dance, move, sweat
Release.
Feel.
Resource.
Connect with my body to sense
Bear witness
Accompany myself
Into the depths of grief.
If you have read the GEN grief toolkit, you know that my initial submersion into grief came after having an abortion in 2017. What I’ve spoken about less, but explore more in Tending Grief, is that from 2017 a domino effect took place with various forms of grief arising in my life (a grief tornado if you will) that needed most of my attention for the last seven years. During this time, my energy levels generally gave me enough capacity to work, rest and attend somatic therapy. For most of my parts, this felt like enough (although it was a challenging pause for my inner raver, that until this point had been regularly satiated since my teens).
I am orienting to what it feels like to be here; feet on the shore after some deep reckoning with harm in my childhood years and the fallout from disclosing buried secrets that some would prefer to remain buried. Other forms of grief in the last few years have included losing my (rented) apartment to a house fire, supporting my partner through the death of their parent and experiencing burn out (a couple of times). It’s been a lot to be honest. I’ve felt the need to keep my head down, cocoon and be with my process. Thankfully as Tending Grief is coming into the world, I feel myself emerging out of my personal grief portal… Of course, I also feel connected to the palpable collective grief of this moment. However, after such a long process I am intentionally choosing to honor joy and pleasure when it arises. To welcome the spring and the completion of this cycle. At times it’s a bit scary being with the unfolding, unknown of it all, while getting to know this new version of myself. Yet, I also feel a lot of curiosity and trust that I am being guided by my ancestors. That there are blessings on the shore after being so deep in the depths…
Speaking of blessings, one of the gifts of having more energy again is that I am reconnecting with my dance practice. Those who knew of me (pre 2020) will know that dance is a deep love in my life. Rather than a source of sharing and communion, over the last years, dance became a dusty, neglected (yet deeply desired) friend that I would play with every now and again in the shadows. My cerebral self was a bit more in the driving seat than I would have liked. I am grateful to be reconnecting with dance as it gives me so much joy, connection to ancestral wisdom and capacity to be in these times. I am blessed to have found an affordable studio near me that I rent for an hour a week to do my practice (more dance videos coming soon). It feels so deliciously life affirming. Do you have something in your life that resources you in the way dance does for me? If so, are you making space for it?
“What story are your sensations telling you? What are they whispering? When we get curious about the messages our bodies are conveying and invest in learning how to communicate with them, a whole world emerges. Embodied knowledge is a dialect that has faced erasure under scientific rationalism but can be revived and cultivated at any moment.”
- Tending Grief, The Ongoing Grief of Colonization pg. 28
In January 2024 I returned to Brazil to complete the cycle. To go and train with the same dance maestra I had been with in 2018. I felt the pull, the ancestral tickle in my gut telling me to honour and close this chapter that has been filled with deep sorrow and life lessons. Thankfully, enough work arose to get me back to the beauty of Bahia for three weeks. For the last weeks, I have been landing back in Amsterdam, re-calibrating and integrating the treasures of this time, holding each experience gently in my heart, its beauty sending glimmers of light through my eyes. I feel a much needed sense of completion.
In Brazil, I had the space to reflect upon and honour my process over the last seven years. To make offerings, give thanks and rest. I reconnected with dance—the first medicine or healing technology— I was able to access in my life. I danced as a means to reconnect as well as to resource myself for what is ahead: the birth of Tending Grief into the world and the prayer that it will support grief work becoming more available in our communities. We need support as there is much grief to tend to.
There is a season for everything and I am grateful to notice the last remnants of my grief cocoon fall away and begin to compost. Grief will remain something for me to be in a relationship with but I feel the balance has shifted—more energy, joy and possibility is accessible for me in a way it hasn’t been for many years. I feel myself changing shape. I am curious about who I am now and keen to discover new ways of relating as a result of my capacity to be with more grief and also more joy than ever before. Some initial noticing: I feel less afraid of intimacy. More curious. Aware of the deep pain of this time as well as the potential to change the conditions of the world as we know it. Now I am on the shore, I have to assess where it is I wish to go… I don’t have the answers for now so I will trust in the unfolding.
“At times, I feel as though I am fumbling in the dark, trying to slow down enough to hear the whisper of these practices, more ancient than bone, traced in the curves of my skin and the folds of my DNA. A memory is in my body, a song that wants to be sung, remembered and re-created anew for these times.”
- Tending Grief, The Ongoing Grief of Colonization pg. 29
May we find alignment between our values and our actions, with the compassion to hold complexity in ways that sustain safety, dignity and belonging for all beings. May we find the tools and resources to sustain our energy, our organizing, our offerings that seek to move us closer to liberation for all beings. It is ok to not be ok right now. However, if there is a practice that helps you move through hard things, connect to your body and get clear on what is moving within you (such as dance, tai chi, meditation, running etc), I invite you to connect with that practice regularly. At least once a week if you can. This is not about individualist self care as a means to bypass what is taking place. Being in connection to our bodies and aware of our state can create more space and capacity to show up in community, to make aligned choices and to discern how our actions can be in service to the collective, as well as our values.
Dance & somatic practices are the main tools that allow me to build capacity to be with big feelings and create more space to get into alignment. To be more responsive than reactive. I am very interested in ways to share this in the community so we can have more practices to navigate intense emotions, grief and discomfort. I intend to offer some workshops this in summer / autumn (in London & Amsterdam). These sessions will be announced on this newsletter first so stay tuned if you are interested.
Media of the moment
The European Legal Support Center (for folks criminalised for showing solidarity with Palestine who need legal support).
I love The Emerald Podcast. This episode on Justice really resonated with me. It’s 3 hours long so I listened to it in chunks. It’s definitely one I will return to.
If you would like to use design thinking and an anti-oppression lens to feel into how you can navigate capitalism more on your terms, I recommend the podcast Have a Nice Life. * One of the hosts is Hadassah from Ride Free Fearless Money.
My Upcoming Offerings (book launch vibes <3)
April 22nd at 9pm cet / 12pm pdt: IG Live with Emilia Zenzile on Soulful Activism: Uniting spirituality and activism for collective transformation.
April 29th (evening, tbc) I’ll be doing a talk and mini workshop on grief at Metro 54 in Amsterdam.
April 30th (evening): An online webinar on grief with Advaya.
May 9th, 8pm - 10pm: IRL book launch at San Serriffe in Amsterdam.
June - October updates to come…
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